Give and Take

Give and Take

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 30, 2012

I got my feelings hurt recently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience at all but one from which I learned a very valuable lesson.

There are some who will argue this point with me, but I think it’s safe for me to say that “I AM A GIVER.” I have given of myself, my time, my money, my life, my knowledge, my wisdom, my muscle (what little I have), my patience, my love, my effort and my heart to family, friends, co-workers, students, neighbors, strangers and even foes. I’m not saying that I’m “Mother Theresa” but I tend to be a very generous person with my possessions, sometimes to a fault.

I’d be lying if I said that being a “giver” is always a good thing. There have been times when I’ve given more than I should have and had to pay the price. Sometimes that price was a lack of what I needed to pay my bills, take care of myself properly, or at the expense of my own esteem. I’ve given into bullies, partners, children, parents, siblings, supervisors, co-workers, and friends on issues that were extremely important to me in the name of peace and harmony, as well as deference and cowardice.

I’m not proud to admit all of this but I think it is important for me to confess this because I know I’m not the only one. Even if no one else benefits from that confession and this essay it is a purging of my soul to the “universe” so that I don’t need to carry this around anymore. So back to my opening…

“I got my feelings hurt recently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience at all but one from which I learned a very valuable lesson.”

The lesson I learned was about me. I was on a mission, a mission that had a hidden agenda. This agenda was so well hidden I didn’t know it was there until I had to deal with the frustration, pain and disappointment that resulted from my GIVING. I’ve just come through a stretch of time where I shelled out a lot of money, time, effort and energy to make people happy. This period of time consisted of starting a new job I wasn’t thrilled about, celebrating 3 birthdays, and Mother’s Day. All of these occasions call for celebration and most are honored with gift giving. The amount of money that was spent during this period of time isn’t important although it is safe to say the dollar amount is well into the 4 figure category.

As the “GIVING HIGH” started to wear off, I found myself feeling down. (This is where the valuable lesson came in) I couldn’t figure out why I was starting to feel upset and depressed. I was able to buy some really good gifts for people I cared about, everyone was healthy and seemed somewhat appreciative of my efforts. When I asked myself what was wrong, the answer that came back from inside of me was, “NOW WHAT?” Huh? “Now what?” I asked myself, what does this mean? As I pondered this question I began to realize that I was a “SELFISH GIVER.”

A “selfish giver” is a person who gives to other people with a self-centered, egotistical or selfish motive. I had to sit with this thought and really exam myself. How could I be selfish when I had just showered my family with meals out, new clothing, new toys, family outings, cash in their hands and gifts? How could I be selfish when I had put my dream and ambition on pause to start a job I didn’t want? How could I be selfish when I’d just provided presents for my wife’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, my son’s birthday and four mother’s on Mother’s Day?

The answer was, because I was giving to them but expecting something back!

I was expecting a level of gratitude, thankfulness, appreciation, perhaps even indebtedness that, in many ways, negates the implied benevolence of giving.  Those who know the bible may be familiar with some of these passages:

·         Freely you have received, freely give. (Matthew 10:8)

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: "MORE CHEESE!"

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: "MORE CHEESE!": “MORE CHEESE!” By Jay Jay Speaks May 22, 2012 In my Wednesday Wisdom last week (5/16/12) I encourage everyone to “find a reason t...

"MORE CHEESE!"

“MORE CHEESE!”

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 22, 2012

In my Wednesday Wisdom last week (5/16/12) I encourage everyone to “find a reason to smile.”  For those who weren’t moved by my personal narrative and admonishment, here are some reasons to smile that are supported by research.

Mark Stibich, Ph.D., from  About.com Guide, gives up the Top 10 Reasons to Smile

1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive

We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away -- but a smile draws them in (avoid these smile aging habits to keep your smile looking great).

2. Smiling Changes Our Mood

Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.

3. Smiling Is Contagious

When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.

4. Smiling Relieves Stress

Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take action.

5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System

Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.

6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure

When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?

7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin

Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.

8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger

The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day -- you'll look younger and feel better.

9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful

Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.

10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive

Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It's hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that "Life is Good!" Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: SAY CHEESE!

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: SAY CHEESE!: “Say CHEESE!” By Jay Jay Speaks May 16, 2012 The Rude Boys sang a song in 1993 entitled It’s “Written All Over Your Face.” The op...

SAY CHEESE!

“Say CHEESE!”

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 16, 2012

The Rude Boys sang a song in 1993 entitled It’s “Written All Over Your Face.” The opening went like this,

It's written all over your face. You don't have to say a word. Just smile a smile a smile.  A smile for me

It's better than any word I ever heard.

And in the 1980’s R&B duo Hall & Oates sang a song called, “Sara Smile” Baby hair with a woman's eyes. I can feel you watching in the night. All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight. When I feel cold you warm me. When I feel I can't go on you come and hold me. It's you and me forever. Sara smile, won't you smile a while for me, Sara.

Lastly teenage sensation Shanice  sang, Sitting in my class, just drifting away Staring into the windows of the world I can't hear the teacher, his books don't call me at all I don't see the bad boys tryin' to catch some play...cause I love your smile I love your smile, in her 1991 teen classic “ I Love Your Smile.”

You all can probably think of 10 more songs that involve smiles, smiling, or wanting to see someone smile. When we sing or think about these songs they make us feel good. For anyone my age I’m sure these songs take you back to an earlier time, a more innocent time and a time when SMILING came more naturally. Perhaps the songs remind you of a time when smiling was easier, before the pressures and strain of adulthood, parenthood and your neighborhood began to wear you down. Perhaps you remember a simpler time, a time when a smile formed quicker and stayed longer on your face before you had to worry about so many other people and so many other things.

I just wanted to remind myself and you that we can’t forget to SMILE. Sometimes we have to just make time to smile. Despite the pressures and pain, the heartbreak and heartache of life, even in the midst of hard times and hardship we still need to find a reason to smile.  There is something almost magical that happens when we smile. When we smile, we find ourselves on the precipice of laughter. Maybe it’s because the corners of our mouths are already assuming the laughing position. Or maybe it’s because our heart gets the heads up that we can release those burdens, if but for a moment.

I can remember finding a reason to smile the day of my father’s funeral. I remember that evening after the service my mother wanted all of us kids to go to the beach, a place my father and her liked to go to watch the sunset. My mother said that my dad came to her in a dream the night before and told her she’d know he was ok when she saw a rainbow.  As we drove to the beach it was slightly overcast that Florida day. Arriving at the beach the sun was a little lower than we’d hoped and it didn’t seem like we’d see much. I excused myself and went to the restroom. I had been standing with my mom for the better part of an hour just trying to be close to her to comfort her. I could see on her face she was waiting, wishing and wanting to see a rainbow. She wanted to know that my dad was okay where he was after leaving us a few days before. As I came out of the restroom skies I saw something in the sky,  through the cloudy twilight. No it wasn’t a rainbow, at least not the kind we traditionally see on the Lucky Charms cereal box. What I saw was a cluster of dark clouds in the sky with light emanating from behind it. What I could see was a rainbow of colors bursting from around the cluster of clouds. I called my mom on her cell phone because she was looking in the other direction. She was looking in the direction of the open sky and ocean.  I said, “Mom there’s Pop’s rainbow.” “Where?” she asked,” I said look to your right that cluster of clouds.” “I don’t see anything” she replied.  “I said Pop never did anything the normal way, he always had to be difficult and stubborn. Look at what is coming out from around those clouds.” My mother looked and saw a rainbow of colors bursting out from behind the clouds as if a color bomb had exploded. As she began to say something to me on the phone, I saw it. I saw the rainbow that I was looking for, I saw my mom smile, even in the midst of burying her husband of 41 years.

My mother’s smile warmed my broken heart. Her smile led to a chuckle. Her chuckle led to a laugh. She began talking to my dad and thanked him for letting her know he was okay.

Today, tomorrow and everyday find a reason to crack a smile. Not that phony workplace smile as you say, “Good morning” to a co-worker but a real smile. Smile when you hear the laughter of children. Smile when a gentle breeze blows past you. Smile when you see a picture of your family on your desk. Smile by thinking of your favorite song or poem. Find a reason to smile because sometimes it’s those little reasons and those little smiles that will get you through life’s BIG DISAPPOINTMENTS AND DISASTERS.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MOM! i’M NOT WISHING YOU A BELATED MOTHER’S DAY BECAUSE EVERYDAY IS MOTHER’S DAY. I LOVE YOU!

Smile today. Don’t wait until Monday, do it today.

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: See Into Me

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: See Into Me: See Into Me By Jay Jay Speaks May 9, 2012 A few posts back I wrote about the need for you to “marry yourself” by making a life-lo...

See Into Me

See Into Me

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 9, 2012

A few posts back I wrote about the need for you to “marry yourself” by making a life-long commitment to love, honor and cherish yourself, till death do you part.  But I’ve been thinking lately that some people aren’t ready to get married to themselves because they don’t understand the concept of INTIMACY.

Intimacy is defined as:  1). the state of being intimate, 2). a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group,  3). a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of something/someone.

The definition tells you that intimacy involves being close, familiar, affectionate, and that it involves detailed knowledge and deep understanding. You don’t develop detailed knowledge and deep understanding without investing time into something. You don’t get close and familiar with something or someone without being actively involved.

Why would anyone marry someone with whom they don’t have an intimate relationship? If you haven’t married yourself or you don’t feel ready to marry yourself ask yourself if you have developed intimacy with you. Do you have detailed knowledge and a deep understanding of yourself, your own motivations, inspirations, passions and dreams? Have you spent enough time with yourself in a deep and meaningful way that you’ve begun to develop a close association with who you really are? I’m not talking about the “you” that is trying to please your parents, spouse, family, supervisor or neighbors.  I’m not talking about the “you” that is afraid of disappointing others for fear that they won’t like you anymore or they will stop loving you. I’m not even talking about the “you” you pretend to be to yourself, you know the one who tells herself she’s fine when she’s really in pain. The “you” who insists he doesn’t need any help, when deep down you’re scared, terrified and intimidated by what’s in front of you. I’m talking about the" you" that appears in the mirror every once in a while. You know the one that makes you look closer at your reflection for just a second, YEAH I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT YOU! The "you" that you don’t recognize sometimes, until you tilt your head to one side a little bit or turn your whole body sideways then look again. YOU KNOW THE ONE.

That is the “you” that you should begin to develop and intimate relationship with. It will be awkward at first. You probably haven’t talked to  that “you” since you were a little kid. That “you” has missed the time you used to spend with one another. That “you” might be angry with you for abandoning her once you started using sex to get comfort or attention from boys. That “you” may still feel abandoned because you started hanging out with other people more than you did with her once you went to college or thought you were grown. That “you” may still need to heal from some of those experiences you want to forget, or may not have recovered from the abuse that you’ve experienced in your life.

The “you” that appears in the mirror every now and again, is just a bigger version of that shy little boy who lost his trust when his mother and father got divorced. That “you” used to beg you to laugh with him and play but you thought you needed to be tough and hang with those boys on the corner. There’s a “you” in the mirror who has held in the pain of rejection from women, disappointment by family members and disillusionment with God that he finds it hard to smile most of the time.

There is a “you” who hasn’t been seen since you decided that you were going to pursue your degree to prove someone else wrong or prove to you that you were right. The “you” that hasn’t been seen since you decided you were going to rise to the top of your profession no matter what, still peeks around corners and hopes to run into you at some point.

Reintroduce yourself to “that you” so you can rebuild the intimacy you’ve lost with yourself.

Once you can learn to develop, accept and cherish being intimate with yourself, you can welcome intimacy with a significant other, spouse or friend. I think it’s important to develop this relationship because if this is missing you will not be able to participate in intimacy with anyone else. 

There are five keys to intimacy that you must understand in order for you to create it and sustain it.

1.       First key to intimacy is you learn to like yourself  

a.       There is little to no foundation for loving others when we don’t have the friendliness, acceptance, compassion and gratitude that comes from liking oneself.

2.       Second key is you must learn to be able to appreciate others

a.       When we appreciate others we can separate ourselves from the object of our love, and see them as they really are, then we can truly celebrate them for their uniqueness.

3.       Third key is you must be open to change.

a.       Change is the one constant in life. The more things change the more they stay the same. We have to learn to accept that things change and sometimes people change in small ways. Rather than constantly moving away from our fears, change your approach and move toward them to conquer fear.

4.       Fourth key is you have to be ready to grow.

a.       It’s been said that “intimacy is the experience of love, its nature is boundless, like our capacity for love.” We will always be moving, changing and elevating our level of intimacy. This movement and changing is what will make you grow.

5.       Fifth, and possible the most important, key is that you must be willing to work at it.

a.       Relationships fail because people get tired of working at them.  Intimacy falls apart when someone decides they don’t want to continue to work at creating it, repairing it, developing it, or elevating it.

Intimacy is a powerful word. It frightens some people (men and women) away from any relationship beyond causal. Intimacy is the code word on the lips or many playboys, pimps and playas as they run game on unsuspecting and trusting young souls. Intimacy is an 8-letter word that penetrates all three levels of humanity; body, soul and spirit. To some the word intimacy is interchangeable with the word sex. To others the word intimacy is the secret code word for love and acceptance like they’ve never had before. But to me it represents three simple words that convey some much.

Intimacy = INTO ME SEE

And once someone develops intimacy with themself or with another person what they are really saying are these three words.

I LOVE YOU!

Go look in the mirror and see if you can find the “you” with whom you need to develop your intimate relationship with.

Don’t wait until Monday, do it today.