Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Can I Go With You?

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Can I Go With You?: Can I Go With You? By Jay Jay Speaks July 11, 2012 “Can I go with you?” is what I hear her every time I grab my car keys from the...

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Give and Take

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Give and Take: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Give and Take : Give and Take By Jay Jay Speaks May 30, 2012 I got my feelings hurt recently, it wasn’t a...

Can I Go With You?

Can I Go With You?

By Jay Jay Speaks

July 11, 2012

“Can I go with you?” is what I hear her every time I grab my car keys from the small table located by the front door.  “You don’t even know where I’m going” I respond with a smirk on my face. “I don’t care, I wanna go anyway,” is her response. This is the dance that my oldest daughter and I do every time I grab my keys to leave the house, or I should say every time she’s within earshot of the sound of dad’s dancing keys. This familiar routine always warms my heart, knowing that she’s my “road dog.” This same daughter has accompanied me to diversity trainings (as far as Cleveland, OH), keynote speeches to college crowds and to work related evening events throughout most of her life. She travelled with me to Chicago (8 hours round trip) to pick up her little sister, a couple of weekends ago. As we travelled across Ohio, through Indiana and into Illinois, she sat in the passenger seat looking out the window in silence for miles and miles, I’d just look at her and smile. She seemed content to just be a passenger. Sometimes we’d talk about silly stuff and other times serious life stuff or as serious as life stuff can be for a young girl, living in middle class suburban neighborhood. I like having her accompany me. She doesn’t talk too much, like her younger sister and she doesn’t totally reside in her own little world distracted and disinterested in other people, like her little brother. I guess as far as travelling companions go she’s just right.

Can I go with you? Just a simple question, consisting of only 5 words but those words arranged thusly can mean so much if you move beyond just the literal and superficial. The answer is usually “YES,” you can come with me, but I realize in the greater understanding of life there are times, she won’t be able to go.

As someone who looks out and sees the largeness of life and the complexities presented by living a full, whole and involved life I understand that there are places I have been, places where I am currently and places I have yet to go that NO ONE ELSE CAN GO WITH ME. There are places that each of us must go alone. There are places we will find ourselves, where few will want to go with us. And others places where valued friends, trusted lovers and dear family, simply won’t BE ABLE TO GO WITH US. Some of these places are the dry seasons of life. Others will be the rainy seasons, not the rain that gently nourishes the plants and causes them to grow, but the apocalyptic down pour that drowns crops, animals and weary pedestrians who happen to get caught by the storm surge. The type of rainfall that ruins houses and washes away a lifetime of work, accomplishment, achievement and good-will. Some of these bad weather seasons will come out of nowhere and seemingly wash away your support and supporters, while others you will see coming, like a storm moving in across the open plains of the great mid-western U.S. You will welcome some of the seasons because you know there will be a purging of hangers-on and the superficial friends who are not really there for you anyway. Other times you will anticipate, prepare, store up what you think you will need to weather the storm, only to find out that some things you can never really be ready for.

Some of you reading this have already encountered this phenomenon. You’ve dared to do something no one else in your family has done and instead of finding open arms and welcoming smiles you’ve been greeted with “I hope you don’t think (fill in the blank) makes you better than me!” Or perhaps someone else has decided to lose weight, to adopt a more healthy lifestyle for themself only to be told by those who were accustomed to the rounder, more ample you, “You ain’t  gonna keep that weight off, we always been big-boned and ain’t nothing wrong with that. Who do you think you are?” While others will simply find that family and/or friends don’t agree with some of the decisions they’ve made for their own lives. 

As much as we would all like to know that there will always been someone with us, someone to keep us company on the road of life the reality is we come into this world alone and we will leave it on our own as well. If we are blessed and if we are lucky we will have companions to walk with us for portions of our journey. Perhaps we will have company for significant stretches on our pathway but eventually and inevitably we will sojourn on our own for other stretches. Whether those lonely sojourns are self-imposed due to bad choices, ill-conceived decisions and mistakes or we are dealt a blow by the unseen hand of fate WE WILL ALL WALK ALONE AT SOMETIME. 

I don’t know if this comes as good news or bad news to you as you read these words. It is bittersweet to me. I would love to have “good company” while I traverse “bad roads” but that doesn’t seem to always be the case. So I am resolving within myself to make peace and pleasantries with my only steady companion, ME.

“Yes, sweetie you can go with me,” until that day comes when you too will have to travel alone.

Be grateful for your traveling companions, whether they are only there for the short trips or the long hauls, let them know that you appreciate their company, because the time will come when you’ll look for someone to go with you and no one will be found.  Show your appreciation today. 

Don’t wait until Monday, do it today.

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Give and Take

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Give and Take: Give and Take By Jay Jay Speaks May 30, 2012 I got my feelings hurt recently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience at all but one from...

Give and Take

Give and Take

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 30, 2012

I got my feelings hurt recently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience at all but one from which I learned a very valuable lesson.

There are some who will argue this point with me, but I think it’s safe for me to say that “I AM A GIVER.” I have given of myself, my time, my money, my life, my knowledge, my wisdom, my muscle (what little I have), my patience, my love, my effort and my heart to family, friends, co-workers, students, neighbors, strangers and even foes. I’m not saying that I’m “Mother Theresa” but I tend to be a very generous person with my possessions, sometimes to a fault.

I’d be lying if I said that being a “giver” is always a good thing. There have been times when I’ve given more than I should have and had to pay the price. Sometimes that price was a lack of what I needed to pay my bills, take care of myself properly, or at the expense of my own esteem. I’ve given into bullies, partners, children, parents, siblings, supervisors, co-workers, and friends on issues that were extremely important to me in the name of peace and harmony, as well as deference and cowardice.

I’m not proud to admit all of this but I think it is important for me to confess this because I know I’m not the only one. Even if no one else benefits from that confession and this essay it is a purging of my soul to the “universe” so that I don’t need to carry this around anymore. So back to my opening…

“I got my feelings hurt recently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience at all but one from which I learned a very valuable lesson.”

The lesson I learned was about me. I was on a mission, a mission that had a hidden agenda. This agenda was so well hidden I didn’t know it was there until I had to deal with the frustration, pain and disappointment that resulted from my GIVING. I’ve just come through a stretch of time where I shelled out a lot of money, time, effort and energy to make people happy. This period of time consisted of starting a new job I wasn’t thrilled about, celebrating 3 birthdays, and Mother’s Day. All of these occasions call for celebration and most are honored with gift giving. The amount of money that was spent during this period of time isn’t important although it is safe to say the dollar amount is well into the 4 figure category.

As the “GIVING HIGH” started to wear off, I found myself feeling down. (This is where the valuable lesson came in) I couldn’t figure out why I was starting to feel upset and depressed. I was able to buy some really good gifts for people I cared about, everyone was healthy and seemed somewhat appreciative of my efforts. When I asked myself what was wrong, the answer that came back from inside of me was, “NOW WHAT?” Huh? “Now what?” I asked myself, what does this mean? As I pondered this question I began to realize that I was a “SELFISH GIVER.”

A “selfish giver” is a person who gives to other people with a self-centered, egotistical or selfish motive. I had to sit with this thought and really exam myself. How could I be selfish when I had just showered my family with meals out, new clothing, new toys, family outings, cash in their hands and gifts? How could I be selfish when I had put my dream and ambition on pause to start a job I didn’t want? How could I be selfish when I’d just provided presents for my wife’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, my son’s birthday and four mother’s on Mother’s Day?

The answer was, because I was giving to them but expecting something back!

I was expecting a level of gratitude, thankfulness, appreciation, perhaps even indebtedness that, in many ways, negates the implied benevolence of giving.  Those who know the bible may be familiar with some of these passages:

·         Freely you have received, freely give. (Matthew 10:8)

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: "MORE CHEESE!"

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: "MORE CHEESE!": “MORE CHEESE!” By Jay Jay Speaks May 22, 2012 In my Wednesday Wisdom last week (5/16/12) I encourage everyone to “find a reason t...

"MORE CHEESE!"

“MORE CHEESE!”

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 22, 2012

In my Wednesday Wisdom last week (5/16/12) I encourage everyone to “find a reason to smile.”  For those who weren’t moved by my personal narrative and admonishment, here are some reasons to smile that are supported by research.

Mark Stibich, Ph.D., from  About.com Guide, gives up the Top 10 Reasons to Smile

1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive

We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away -- but a smile draws them in (avoid these smile aging habits to keep your smile looking great).

2. Smiling Changes Our Mood

Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.

3. Smiling Is Contagious

When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.

4. Smiling Relieves Stress

Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take action.

5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System

Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.

6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure

When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?

7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin

Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.

8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger

The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day -- you'll look younger and feel better.

9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful

Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.

10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive

Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It's hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that "Life is Good!" Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.