Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: See Into Me

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: See Into Me: See Into Me By Jay Jay Speaks May 9, 2012 A few posts back I wrote about the need for you to “marry yourself” by making a life-lo...

See Into Me

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 9, 2012

A few posts back I wrote about the need for you to “marry yourself” by making a life-long commitment to love, honor and cherish yourself, till death do you part. But I’ve been thinking lately that some people aren’t ready to get married to themselves because they don’t understand the concept of INTIMACY.

Intimacy is defined as: 1). the state of being intimate, 2). a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group, 3). a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of something/someone.

The definition tells you that intimacy involves being close, familiar, affectionate, and that it involves detailed knowledge and deep understanding. You don’t develop detailed knowledge and deep understanding without investing time into something. You don’t get close and familiar with something or someone without being actively involved.

Why would anyone marry someone with whom they don’t have an intimate relationship? If you haven’t married yourself or you don’t feel ready to marry yourself ask yourself if you have developed intimacy with you. Do you have detailed knowledge and a deep understanding of yourself, your own motivations, inspirations, passions and dreams? Have you spent enough time with yourself in a deep and meaningful way that you’ve begun to develop a close association with who you really are? I’m not talking about the “you” that is trying to please your parents, spouse, family, supervisor or neighbors. I’m not talking about the “you” that is afraid of disappointing others for fear that they won’t like you anymore or they will stop loving you. I’m not even talking about the “you” you pretend to be to yourself, you know the one who tells herself she’s fine when she’s really in pain. The “you” who insists he doesn’t need any help, when deep down you’re scared, terrified and intimidated by what’s in front of you. I’m talking about the" you" that appears in the mirror every once in a while. You know the one that makes you look closer at your reflection for just a second, YEAH I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT YOU! The "you" that you don’t recognize sometimes, until you tilt your head to one side a little bit or turn your whole body sideways then look again. YOU KNOW THE ONE.

That is the “you” that you should begin to develop and intimate relationship with. It will be awkward at first. You probably haven’t talked to that “you” since you were a little kid. That “you” has missed the time you used to spend with one another. That “you” might be angry with you for abandoning her once you started using sex to get comfort or attention from boys. That “you” may still feel abandoned because you started hanging out with other people more than you did with her once you went to college or thought you were grown. That “you” may still need to heal from some of those experiences you want to forget, or may not have recovered from the abuse that you’ve experienced in your life.

The “you” that appears in the mirror every now and again, is just a bigger version of that shy little boy who lost his trust when his mother and father got divorced. That “you” used to beg you to laugh with him and play but you thought you needed to be tough and hang with those boys on the corner. There’s a “you” in the mirror who has held in the pain of rejection from women, disappointment by family members and disillusionment with God that he finds it hard to smile most of the time.

There is a “you” who hasn’t been seen since you decided that you were going to pursue your degree to prove someone else wrong or prove to you that you were right. The “you” that hasn’t been seen since you decided you were going to rise to the top of your profession no matter what, still peeks around corners and hopes to run into you at some point.

Reintroduce yourself to “that you” so you can rebuild the intimacy you’ve lost with yourself.

Once you can learn to develop, accept and cherish being intimate with yourself, you can welcome intimacy with a significant other, spouse or friend. I think it’s important to develop this relationship because if this is missing you will not be able to participate in intimacy with anyone else.

There are five keys to intimacy that you must understand in order for you to create it and sustain it.

1. First key to intimacy is you learn to like yourself

a. There is little to no foundation for loving others when we don’t have the friendliness, acceptance, compassion and gratitude that comes from liking oneself.

2. Second key is you must learn to be able to appreciate others

a. When we appreciate others we can separate ourselves from the object of our love, and see them as they really are, then we can truly celebrate them for their uniqueness.

3. Third key is you must be open to change.

a. Change is the one constant in life. The more things change the more they stay the same. We have to learn to accept that things change and sometimes people change in small ways. Rather than constantly moving away from our fears, change your approach and move toward them to conquer fear.

4. Fourth key is you have to be ready to grow.

a. It’s been said that “intimacy is the experience of love, its nature is boundless, like our capacity for love.” We will always be moving, changing and elevating our level of intimacy. This movement and changing is what will make you grow.

5. Fifth, and possible the most important, key is that you must be willing to work at it.

a. Relationships fail because people get tired of working at them. Intimacy falls apart when someone decides they don’t want to continue to work at creating it, repairing it, developing it, or elevating it.

Intimacy is a powerful word. It frightens some people (men and women) away from any relationship beyond causal. Intimacy is the code word on the lips or many playboys, pimps and playas as they run game on unsuspecting and trusting young souls. Intimacy is an 8-letter word that penetrates all three levels of humanity; body, soul and spirit. To some the word intimacy is interchangeable with the word sex. To others the word intimacy is the secret code word for love and acceptance like they’ve never had before. But to me it represents three simple words that convey some much.

Intimacy = INTO ME SEE

And once someone develops intimacy with themself or with another person what they are really saying are these three words.

I LOVE YOU!

Go look in the mirror and see if you can find the “you” with whom you need to develop your intimate relationship with.

Don’t wait until Monday, do it today.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have ...

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have ...: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have Time : You Still Have Time by Jay Jay Speaks April 26, 2012 As everyone knows spring is ...

Junior Seau Is Gone But the Issue Remains

Lonely Decision

by Jay Jay Speaks

February 7, 2012

Reposted (May 3, 2012)

According to sources in the Los Angeles coroner’s office, the February 1, 2012 death of TV pioneer Don Corneilus (host, director and producer of Soul Train, the longest running music television show in history) is officially being ruled a “suicide.”

This will come as a disappointment to many people, particularly many in the African-American community. I’ve already read and heard many black people comment that, they “can’t believe that Don Corneilus actually killed himself,” as if suicide is the forbidden decision for black Americans. Long is the history of denial, refusal and community delusion when it comes to the African American community and the issue of suicide.

For many African Americans it is far easier to grasp the concept that a family member or loved one accidentally overdosed on drugs or alcohol, or was senselessly gunned down in the streets than to come to grips with the reality that a black person may have taken their own life. We can more easily allow ourselves to devise elaborate conspiracy theories of how someone in power (police, politicians or drug kingpins) arranged for someone to be taken out through a conversion of circumstances than to admit that someone we know and cared about reached a conclusion that they would end their own life rather than continue to endure whatever tragedy, depression, sickness, illness, bullying or lack of acceptance their current reality brings. I mean so many of us in the black community think killing yourself is “the coward’s way out of hardship.” Recently I even had one guy tell me, “Killing yourself is the bitch move!”

At some point we in the black community need to stop with the lies, and let go of the denial. The honest truth is that there is no special dispensation from depression bestowed upon African-Americans. There is no innate emotional shield from the darkness that can possess a person’s soul. Just because our ancestors endured 400+ years of chattel slavery and another 100 years of Jim Crow segregation doesn’t remove us from the modern human experience. Before any black American beat their chests and brag on the toughness of our people for enduring slavery, please keep in mind that thousands and thousands of Africans threw themselves overboard into the Atlantic ocean rather than continue on the journey of the middle passage .We hurt, we cry, we suffer and sometimes we die at our own hands just like every other nationality, ethnicity, race, culture and community of people participating in this American experience. Perhaps we don’t participate in suicide at the same rate as other demographic groups, I don’t know. Or perhaps we find ways to hide our suicides amongst the senseless shootings, deaths and urban crime statistics. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

I know a few things for sure. I know for sure that I have encountered several black people who have either attempted suicide or at least seriously contemplated it. I have known a few, some who were very close to me, who keep this as their big deep dark secret. They shared their secret with me, either because I shared mine with them first or they sensed that I’d understand if they told me this thing they couldn’t share with anyone else. I spoke to one of these people this week in fact. Alarmed by their text messages, I sat in my family room trying to devise a strategy to encourage them to select an alternative to the decision they texted me they had reached. I am glad this person didn’t follow through on their train of thought and course of action. I’m so glad that they decided to fight, to push and to endure the curious questioning of “why God isn’t there and why they had to be the eternal outcast in their famiy and amongst their friends? ” I’m glad they decided to find more reasons to draw breath than reasons to stop taking it in. I’m glad because I would miss that person dearly. I would miss them selfishly. I would miss them and somewhere in my sorrow, I’d be jealous that they had the conviction to do what I have thought about doing.

Suicide is our dirty little secret. It’s the family secret we don’t talk about in front of strangers or in front of family. We gloss over the facts and deny the truth, the truth that we all knew about all along. We ignore the message and the cries for help. We cover them up with scriptures, and soul food. We hide them behind marijuana and alcohol. We numb these messages by have sex, lots of sex, lots of premarital, extra-marital, promiscuous sex. But no matter how much we deny, ignore, cover-up, hide or numb the pleas for help, they are always there. ALWAYS.

We must commit to loving one another honestly and listening to one another sincerely. The next time someone talks about killing themselves or is going through a real rough time (weeks, months, years, or tragedy) don’t simply blow off their comments, jokes, midnight tears on the phone or cryptic text messages or Facebook posts. Go meet them where they are (geographically and emotionally) and let them know you care. Let them know how much they mean to you, then do the best most endearing loving thing you can do…TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY AND LISTEN TO THEIR PAIN. Sometimes listening can be enough to make them decide to try again, to love again, to marry again, to have faith again, to live again and to…BREATHE AGAIN.

REST IN PEACE Brother Don Corneilus.

You were the conductor of the “HIPPEST RIDE IN AMERICA!” We’re should all be sorry we didn’t understand the depths of your pain. May you find in death what you could not find in life.

I wish you, “Love, Peace and Soul!”

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have Time

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have Time: You Still Have Time by Jay Jay Speaks April 26, 2012 As everyone knows spring is officially here. Eyes are turning towards yard...

You Still Have Time

by Jay Jay Speaks

April 26, 2012

As everyone knows spring is officially here. Eyes are turning towards yard work, gardening, spring planting and for some, the end of the school year. In case you haven’t given much thought to it, today is the 117^th day of the year. The 2012 calendar year is (31.97%) a third of the way over! So anyone who can remember back to their 2012 New Year’s Resolution or their new year’s commitments, this might be a good time to assess whether or not you are on track to accomplish your goal.

Most of us, if we’re going to be honest, have already fallen off the New Year’s Resolution wagon. Some fell by the wayside in the first week of January, while others made it up until the Superbowl (February 4, 2012). Still some of you fell off the wagon around St. Patrick’s Day (March 17, 2012). Whether you made it to April Fool’s Day maintaining your resolution and life style changes before “realizing the joke was on you” or not you still have time to get it together.

A lot can happen in 9 months. Someone could conceive, carry and give birth to another human being in the time remaining in this calendar year. Nine months is enough time to turn a business’ earnings around and move it from the red into the black. Nine months can resurrect or crucify a politician’s career. So just because you have fallen down a couple of times doesn’t mean you have to stay down for the rest of the year. But 9 months can be a long time if you don’t start moving forward now.

Most January resolutions involve making changes in our lives. We pledge and promise to lose weight, to get more fit, to stop smoking, curb drinking, spend more time with children, rekindle the fire in a relationship, mend broken relationships in the family, save more money, start a hobby, read more books, start a business, sign up for educational classes (college/university, community center, YMCA, public library, etc.) or to treat ourselves better. These promises are all worthwhile and will lead to a longer, happier, healthier more satisfying life if we keep them. The problem is, often despite our best intentions, we just can’t maintain the same energy, vigor and enthusiasm it takes to fulfill these promises once we settle back into our normal (non-holiday season) lives.

Here’s something to keep in mind, “the key to success in making change is to be alive, open and present in order to receive what is unfolding” says, Ronald Alexander, Ph.D (Director of OpenMind Training Institute, Professor and Author). Ask yourself, “Am I alive, open and present?” “Am I excited about the changes I need to make?” “Have I been open to learning how to make the changes or have I been open to letting other people help me?” “ Am I focusing on what needs to be done in the moment or do I keep delaying what I need to do or do I get distracted while I’m doing it?”

The honest to goodness truth is, if your heart isn’t into making the changes you need to make you won’t make the changes or sustain whatever changes you have made. If you really don’t want to make your resolutions happen they won’t. It’s that simple. So I encourage you to re-evaluate your resolution and find out if you really want to try to accomplish it. If you don’t want to work on that resolution then abandon it and select a new goal. If your evaluation reveals that you still want to uphold your resolution or life style change, THEN GO FOR IT! But this time work SMARTER NOT HARDER.

This time try using these simple steps:

1. Focus on one piece at a time/one thing at a time –

Break your resolution down into steps or smaller bites. Making the larger goal a collection of mini-goals takes the pressure off of you to accomplish it all at once. You can feel a sense of pride as you check off the smaller steps each week rather than having to wait until the very end.

2. Mutual Support –

Find positive, supportive, uplifting people who have the same resolution or goal to help hold you accountable. The people in the support group may also have helpful information or a different approach to accomplishing your goal. You may be able to learn from their past mistakes and successes without having to spend the same amount of real life time as they did.

Experience IS NOT the best teacher, as many of us were once told. Learning from someone else’s experience is the best teacher. You can get all the wisdom, without the pain and scars. (LOL)

3. Understand why –

Be very clear and specific with yourself as to why you want to make the change or uphold your resolution. If you’ve changed your mind, then be honest. If it was someone else’s idea, then let it go. If you are afraid of the responsibility you’d have to undertake to achieve it, you may just need to grow up!

4. Be inspired –

Spend at least 15 minutes each day reading, watching, participating or listening to something positive and empowering that inspires you. Whether that means you have to read in the bathroom at work, get up a little earlier, stay awake a little later, turn the television off, go for a walk to the park, update our IPOD, create your own Pandora Station or sit in your car when you get home/work just make sure you give yourself this time. You’ll be amazed how just 15 minutes a day can change your whole day, week, month or life.

5. Reward yourself and celebrate –

Reward yourself with a tangible gift or a much desired action when you accomplish one of your mini-goals or mini-steps towards the larger goal or resolution. Don’t overestimate the value and the motivation a little reward will bring. Do you remember back in grade school when just getting a “GOLDEN STAR” or a “SMILEY FACE” sticker from your teacher, was like the BEST THING EVER? How much did that sticker actually cost compared to the since of pride and joy a child feels knowing they earned it. Well the little kid still resides in you. Your reward doesn’t have to break the bank or bust your monthly budget. The reward can be something small, something simple and something special that has meaning to you.

So as you re-position yourself on this 117^th day of 2012, keep these 5 keys in mind. Spend some time talking to yourself and being honest with you. The year is still young but it is growing up fast. You still have time but don’t wait too long, summer is coming.