Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: SAY CHEESE!

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: SAY CHEESE!: “Say CHEESE!” By Jay Jay Speaks May 16, 2012 The Rude Boys sang a song in 1993 entitled It’s “Written All Over Your Face.” The op...

SAY CHEESE!

“Say CHEESE!”

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 16, 2012

The Rude Boys sang a song in 1993 entitled It’s “Written All Over Your Face.” The opening went like this,

It's written all over your face. You don't have to say a word. Just smile a smile a smile.  A smile for me

It's better than any word I ever heard.

And in the 1980’s R&B duo Hall & Oates sang a song called, “Sara Smile” Baby hair with a woman's eyes. I can feel you watching in the night. All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight. When I feel cold you warm me. When I feel I can't go on you come and hold me. It's you and me forever. Sara smile, won't you smile a while for me, Sara.

Lastly teenage sensation Shanice  sang, Sitting in my class, just drifting away Staring into the windows of the world I can't hear the teacher, his books don't call me at all I don't see the bad boys tryin' to catch some play...cause I love your smile I love your smile, in her 1991 teen classic “ I Love Your Smile.”

You all can probably think of 10 more songs that involve smiles, smiling, or wanting to see someone smile. When we sing or think about these songs they make us feel good. For anyone my age I’m sure these songs take you back to an earlier time, a more innocent time and a time when SMILING came more naturally. Perhaps the songs remind you of a time when smiling was easier, before the pressures and strain of adulthood, parenthood and your neighborhood began to wear you down. Perhaps you remember a simpler time, a time when a smile formed quicker and stayed longer on your face before you had to worry about so many other people and so many other things.

I just wanted to remind myself and you that we can’t forget to SMILE. Sometimes we have to just make time to smile. Despite the pressures and pain, the heartbreak and heartache of life, even in the midst of hard times and hardship we still need to find a reason to smile.  There is something almost magical that happens when we smile. When we smile, we find ourselves on the precipice of laughter. Maybe it’s because the corners of our mouths are already assuming the laughing position. Or maybe it’s because our heart gets the heads up that we can release those burdens, if but for a moment.

I can remember finding a reason to smile the day of my father’s funeral. I remember that evening after the service my mother wanted all of us kids to go to the beach, a place my father and her liked to go to watch the sunset. My mother said that my dad came to her in a dream the night before and told her she’d know he was ok when she saw a rainbow.  As we drove to the beach it was slightly overcast that Florida day. Arriving at the beach the sun was a little lower than we’d hoped and it didn’t seem like we’d see much. I excused myself and went to the restroom. I had been standing with my mom for the better part of an hour just trying to be close to her to comfort her. I could see on her face she was waiting, wishing and wanting to see a rainbow. She wanted to know that my dad was okay where he was after leaving us a few days before. As I came out of the restroom skies I saw something in the sky,  through the cloudy twilight. No it wasn’t a rainbow, at least not the kind we traditionally see on the Lucky Charms cereal box. What I saw was a cluster of dark clouds in the sky with light emanating from behind it. What I could see was a rainbow of colors bursting from around the cluster of clouds. I called my mom on her cell phone because she was looking in the other direction. She was looking in the direction of the open sky and ocean.  I said, “Mom there’s Pop’s rainbow.” “Where?” she asked,” I said look to your right that cluster of clouds.” “I don’t see anything” she replied.  “I said Pop never did anything the normal way, he always had to be difficult and stubborn. Look at what is coming out from around those clouds.” My mother looked and saw a rainbow of colors bursting out from behind the clouds as if a color bomb had exploded. As she began to say something to me on the phone, I saw it. I saw the rainbow that I was looking for, I saw my mom smile, even in the midst of burying her husband of 41 years.

My mother’s smile warmed my broken heart. Her smile led to a chuckle. Her chuckle led to a laugh. She began talking to my dad and thanked him for letting her know he was okay.

Today, tomorrow and everyday find a reason to crack a smile. Not that phony workplace smile as you say, “Good morning” to a co-worker but a real smile. Smile when you hear the laughter of children. Smile when a gentle breeze blows past you. Smile when you see a picture of your family on your desk. Smile by thinking of your favorite song or poem. Find a reason to smile because sometimes it’s those little reasons and those little smiles that will get you through life’s BIG DISAPPOINTMENTS AND DISASTERS.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MOM! i’M NOT WISHING YOU A BELATED MOTHER’S DAY BECAUSE EVERYDAY IS MOTHER’S DAY. I LOVE YOU!

Smile today. Don’t wait until Monday, do it today.

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: See Into Me

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: See Into Me: See Into Me By Jay Jay Speaks May 9, 2012 A few posts back I wrote about the need for you to “marry yourself” by making a life-lo...

See Into Me

See Into Me

By Jay Jay Speaks

May 9, 2012

A few posts back I wrote about the need for you to “marry yourself” by making a life-long commitment to love, honor and cherish yourself, till death do you part.  But I’ve been thinking lately that some people aren’t ready to get married to themselves because they don’t understand the concept of INTIMACY.

Intimacy is defined as:  1). the state of being intimate, 2). a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group,  3). a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of something/someone.

The definition tells you that intimacy involves being close, familiar, affectionate, and that it involves detailed knowledge and deep understanding. You don’t develop detailed knowledge and deep understanding without investing time into something. You don’t get close and familiar with something or someone without being actively involved.

Why would anyone marry someone with whom they don’t have an intimate relationship? If you haven’t married yourself or you don’t feel ready to marry yourself ask yourself if you have developed intimacy with you. Do you have detailed knowledge and a deep understanding of yourself, your own motivations, inspirations, passions and dreams? Have you spent enough time with yourself in a deep and meaningful way that you’ve begun to develop a close association with who you really are? I’m not talking about the “you” that is trying to please your parents, spouse, family, supervisor or neighbors.  I’m not talking about the “you” that is afraid of disappointing others for fear that they won’t like you anymore or they will stop loving you. I’m not even talking about the “you” you pretend to be to yourself, you know the one who tells herself she’s fine when she’s really in pain. The “you” who insists he doesn’t need any help, when deep down you’re scared, terrified and intimidated by what’s in front of you. I’m talking about the" you" that appears in the mirror every once in a while. You know the one that makes you look closer at your reflection for just a second, YEAH I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT YOU! The "you" that you don’t recognize sometimes, until you tilt your head to one side a little bit or turn your whole body sideways then look again. YOU KNOW THE ONE.

That is the “you” that you should begin to develop and intimate relationship with. It will be awkward at first. You probably haven’t talked to  that “you” since you were a little kid. That “you” has missed the time you used to spend with one another. That “you” might be angry with you for abandoning her once you started using sex to get comfort or attention from boys. That “you” may still feel abandoned because you started hanging out with other people more than you did with her once you went to college or thought you were grown. That “you” may still need to heal from some of those experiences you want to forget, or may not have recovered from the abuse that you’ve experienced in your life.

The “you” that appears in the mirror every now and again, is just a bigger version of that shy little boy who lost his trust when his mother and father got divorced. That “you” used to beg you to laugh with him and play but you thought you needed to be tough and hang with those boys on the corner. There’s a “you” in the mirror who has held in the pain of rejection from women, disappointment by family members and disillusionment with God that he finds it hard to smile most of the time.

There is a “you” who hasn’t been seen since you decided that you were going to pursue your degree to prove someone else wrong or prove to you that you were right. The “you” that hasn’t been seen since you decided you were going to rise to the top of your profession no matter what, still peeks around corners and hopes to run into you at some point.

Reintroduce yourself to “that you” so you can rebuild the intimacy you’ve lost with yourself.

Once you can learn to develop, accept and cherish being intimate with yourself, you can welcome intimacy with a significant other, spouse or friend. I think it’s important to develop this relationship because if this is missing you will not be able to participate in intimacy with anyone else. 

There are five keys to intimacy that you must understand in order for you to create it and sustain it.

1.       First key to intimacy is you learn to like yourself  

a.       There is little to no foundation for loving others when we don’t have the friendliness, acceptance, compassion and gratitude that comes from liking oneself.

2.       Second key is you must learn to be able to appreciate others

a.       When we appreciate others we can separate ourselves from the object of our love, and see them as they really are, then we can truly celebrate them for their uniqueness.

3.       Third key is you must be open to change.

a.       Change is the one constant in life. The more things change the more they stay the same. We have to learn to accept that things change and sometimes people change in small ways. Rather than constantly moving away from our fears, change your approach and move toward them to conquer fear.

4.       Fourth key is you have to be ready to grow.

a.       It’s been said that “intimacy is the experience of love, its nature is boundless, like our capacity for love.” We will always be moving, changing and elevating our level of intimacy. This movement and changing is what will make you grow.

5.       Fifth, and possible the most important, key is that you must be willing to work at it.

a.       Relationships fail because people get tired of working at them.  Intimacy falls apart when someone decides they don’t want to continue to work at creating it, repairing it, developing it, or elevating it.

Intimacy is a powerful word. It frightens some people (men and women) away from any relationship beyond causal. Intimacy is the code word on the lips or many playboys, pimps and playas as they run game on unsuspecting and trusting young souls. Intimacy is an 8-letter word that penetrates all three levels of humanity; body, soul and spirit. To some the word intimacy is interchangeable with the word sex. To others the word intimacy is the secret code word for love and acceptance like they’ve never had before. But to me it represents three simple words that convey some much.

Intimacy = INTO ME SEE

And once someone develops intimacy with themself or with another person what they are really saying are these three words.

I LOVE YOU!

Go look in the mirror and see if you can find the “you” with whom you need to develop your intimate relationship with.

Don’t wait until Monday, do it today.

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have ...

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have ...: Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have Time :   You Still Have Time by Jay Jay Speaks April 26, 2012 As everyone knows spring is ...

Junior Seau Is Gone But the Issue Remains

Lonely Decision

by Jay Jay Speaks

February 7, 2012

Reposted (May 3, 2012)

According to sources in the Los Angeles coroner’s office, the February 1, 2012 death of TV pioneer Don Corneilus (host, director and producer of Soul Train, the longest running music television show in history) is officially being ruled a “suicide.”

This will come as a disappointment to many people, particularly many in the African-American community. I’ve already read and heard many black people comment that, they “can’t believe that Don Corneilus actually killed himself,” as if suicide is the forbidden decision for black Americans. Long is the history of denial, refusal and community delusion when it comes to the African American community and the issue of suicide.

For many African Americans it is far easier to grasp the concept that a family member or loved one accidentally overdosed on drugs or alcohol, or was senselessly gunned down in the streets than to come to grips with the reality that a black person may have taken their own life. We can more easily allow ourselves to devise elaborate conspiracy theories of how someone in power (police, politicians or drug kingpins) arranged for someone to be taken out through a conversion of circumstances than to admit that someone we know and cared about reached a conclusion that they would end their own life rather than continue to endure whatever tragedy, depression, sickness, illness, bullying or lack of acceptance their current reality brings. I mean so many of us in the black community think killing yourself is “the coward’s way out of hardship.” Recently I even had one guy tell me, “Killing yourself is the bitch move!”

At some point we in the black community need to stop with the lies, and let go of the denial. The honest truth is that there is no special dispensation from depression bestowed upon African-Americans. There is no innate emotional shield from the darkness that can possess a person’s soul. Just because our ancestors endured 400+ years of chattel slavery and another 100 years of Jim Crow segregation doesn’t remove us from the modern human experience.  Before any black American beat their chests and brag on the toughness of our people for enduring slavery, please keep in mind that thousands and thousands of Africans threw themselves overboard into the Atlantic ocean rather than continue on the journey of the middle passage .We hurt, we cry, we suffer and sometimes we die at our own hands just like every other nationality, ethnicity, race, culture and community of people participating in this American experience. Perhaps we don’t participate in suicide at the same rate as other demographic groups, I don’t know. Or perhaps we find ways to hide our suicides amongst the senseless shootings, deaths and urban crime statistics. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

I know a few things for sure. I know for sure that I have encountered several black people who have either attempted suicide or at least seriously contemplated it. I have known a few, some who were very close to me, who keep this as their big deep dark secret. They shared their secret with me, either because I shared mine with them first or they sensed that I’d understand if they told me this thing they couldn’t share with anyone else. I spoke to one of these people this week in fact. Alarmed by their text messages, I sat in my family room trying to devise a strategy to encourage them to select an alternative to the decision they texted me they had reached.  I am glad this person didn’t follow through on their train of thought and course of action. I’m so glad that they decided to fight, to push and to endure the curious questioning of “why God isn’t there and why they had to be the eternal outcast in their famiy and amongst their friends? ” I’m glad they decided to find more reasons to draw breath than reasons to stop taking it in. I’m glad because I would miss that person dearly. I would miss them selfishly. I would miss them and somewhere in my sorrow, I’d be jealous that they had the conviction to do what I have thought about doing.

Suicide is our dirty little secret. It’s the family secret we don’t talk about in front of strangers or in front of family. We gloss over the facts and deny the truth, the truth that we all knew about all along. We ignore the message and the cries for help. We cover them up with scriptures, and soul food. We hide them behind marijuana and alcohol. We numb these messages by have sex, lots of sex, lots of premarital, extra-marital, promiscuous sex. But no matter how much we deny, ignore, cover-up, hide or numb the pleas for help, they are always there. ALWAYS.

We must commit to loving one another honestly and listening to one another sincerely. The next time someone talks about killing themselves or is going through a real rough time (weeks, months, years, or tragedy) don’t simply blow off their comments, jokes, midnight tears on the phone or cryptic text messages or Facebook posts. Go meet them where they are (geographically and emotionally) and let them know you care. Let them know how much they mean to you, then do the best most endearing loving thing you can do…TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY AND LISTEN TO THEIR PAIN. Sometimes listening can be enough to make them decide to try again, to love again, to marry again, to have faith again, to live again and to…BREATHE AGAIN.

REST IN PEACE Brother Don Corneilus.

You were the conductor of the “HIPPEST RIDE IN AMERICA!” We’re should all be sorry we didn’t understand the depths of your pain. May you find in death what you could not find in life.

I wish you, “Love, Peace and Soul!”

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have Time

Jay Jay's Thoughts Your Reactions: You Still Have Time:   You Still Have Time by Jay Jay Speaks April 26, 2012 As everyone knows spring is officially here. Eyes are turning towards yard...